Funny Retirement Quotes and Humor for Every Situation

People laughing at retirement party

Retiring from your career is a huge life milestone whether you're happy about it or not. Funny retirement quotes make light of a person's final job and help people cope with their new stage of life. Whether you're roasting a retiring coworker or writing a nice card, add retirement humor with original quotes from Michele Meleen.

Funny Quotes to Say Happy Retirement

From funny retirement one liners to retirement toast quotes, short and funny sayings about retirement have a variety of uses.

  • Retirement: It's not the end of your life, it's the end of your bank account!
  • Welcome to the next phase of life. There's no dress code, but you probably can't afford clothes anymore, anyway!
  • Sometimes the best part of your job is retirement.
  • I hope you like Saturdays, because every day just became Saturday!
  • When did being unemployed become something to brag about?
  • We all aspire to retire, and then what?
  • Congratulations on deciding life is more important than work. What took you so long?
  • Happy end of everything you've worked your whole life for...wait, why are you retiring?
  • Retirement is like one big sick day without the sick pay.
  • How can you ever be sure people are happy you get to retire and not happy they finally got rid of you?
  • You're never too old to retire, but you're always too old to find a new job!
  • I hear retired people have a much higher death rate than working people. I wonder what that's all about?
  • Wouldn't it be great if people had celebrated your employment as much as they're celebrating your retirement?

Funny Quotes to Write in a Retirement Card

funny retirement card message gives you the chance to congratulate a friend or family member while making fun of them at the same time.

Women laughing over greeting card message
  • Congratulations. You've retired from your job. Too bad the next step is retiring from life!
  • Now that you're retired, you've got plenty of time to help me out with all the things I don't have time to do!
  • Wait, you're leaving? I thought we were just all really excited you were getting new tires on your car!
  • Retirement sounds like fun, until you realized you're too old, too broke, and too tired to leave the couch.
  • I hear retirement is really lonely. I hope you don't get lonely. If you do, don't call me, I'll be at work.
  • I hear retirement can be really fun, but what's fun about being lazy and bored?
  • Now that you're retired, you can binge watch all those great Netflix shows! What will you do the second week?
  • You've finally reached retirement age! Does that make you old or me young?
  • I couldn't be happier, unless of course I was the one retiring. But, I'm still happy-ish for you.

Funny Retirement Quotes for Cakes

Retirement parties are more fun when you write a hilarious message on the cake and give retirement gag gifts.

  • I retired and all I got was this grocery store cake.
  • This is the last time anyone will throw you a party for quitting.
  • Retirement is sweet any way you slice it!
  • Your entire life's work - Worth nothing more than cake.
  • Who's Retiring? Oh well, another excuse for cake.
  • Even in retirement you still have to share with the whole office.
  • It's sad you only get cake when you leave.
  • You get to retire, and I don't. Eat .... cake.

Funny Retirement Quotes for Coworkers

If you have a good relationship with a coworker, it can be fun to have one last laugh with a funny retirement phrase.

Group of women laughing
  • I hate to leave you all here, but I love the idea of me walking out the door more!
  • We were sad to hear you're retiring until we realized it means one less person absentmindedly hitting "reply all" needlessly on emails.
  • You might be excited about retirement, but we're not throwing you a party because we realize it means we're each getting some of your work added to ours.
  • Don't be one of those boomerang retirees. Even if your job's still here, we don't want you to be miserable with us!
  • We thought you were a team player, and there's no "I" in team, although there is one in "retirement."
  • Working with you was a real pleasure. Let your husband know he can use me as a reference if he has any doubts about that.
  • It's going to be so weird not seeing you every day. What's your name again?
  • Happy Retirement. We'll always have each other. Except you, you won't have us because you won't be in the office.
  • I'm not sure why you'd want to re-tire, we're all tired already!
  • Retirement can't be that different from work; you still get to use sheets, visit docs, and steal other people's food out of the fridge.

Funny Retirement Quotes for Your Boss

Help your boss celebrate retirement with sarcasm and humor if they can handle it.

  • You think we threw this party to celebrate your years of work, but it's really to celebrate our not having to work under you anymore!
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. No one is ever going to call you "boss" again.
  • You picked a great time to retire, we were just about to start a revolt against your leadership style.
  • Where will we be without our fearless leader? Oh, that's right, we'll be relaxed and happy!
  • It's sad you can't even be the boss of yourself in retirement. I'm sure your wife has been looking forward to this for years.
  • You worked so hard all these years to become what, a couch bum?
  • If I've learned one thing from some of the most successful people in life it's this, don't come out of retirement, if it didn't work for Brett Favre, it can't work for anyone.
  • When you retire do you turn into the old version of Boss Baby? Will you be wearing a suit and tie while you nap on the couch?
  • I'm sorry, I thought you were already retired since we never see you doing any work.
  • It must be so hard leaving us all knowing you'll actually have to do things for yourself in retirement.

Hilarious Famous Retirement Quotes

You can count on your favorite movies and TV shows to provide the best humorous quotes about retirement.

  • In the movie John Wick: Chapter 2 there's a great exchange where Bowery King says, "You're not very good at retiring," and John replies, "I'm workin' on it."
  • In the movie Zoolander 2 Derek Zoolander says, "I'm going to retire, withdraw from public life, and become a hermit crab."
  • Kaulder shares his humorous retirement wisdom in the movie The Last Witch Hunter saying, "I've seen people get old, retire, and die. Rarely on the same day."
  • In Captain America: Civil War, Hawkeye shares everyone's greatest fear about leaving their career saying, "I retire for what, like, five minutes, and it all goes to sh*$."
  • In the movie Xanadu, character Danny McGuire says, " I'm what you might call retired. It's a refined name for bum."
  • Rick Harrison from the popular TV show Pawn Stars joked in an interview, "My dad's the type that would die six months after retiring, so I plan to have him work here forever.

Don't Retire Your Jokes

Most of life and your general identity comes from your career, so retiring is a funny notion in itself. Keep the jokes coming and have fun in retirement with phrases and sayings like funny retirement poems.

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Funny Retirement Quotes and Humor for Every Situation