8 Funny Retirement Quotes to Crack You Up

Uses for Funny Retirement Quotes

If you're planning a retirement party or a fun retirement gift, you must have a collection of funny retirement quotes.

There are a variety of ways to use quotes:

  • In your toast at the party
  • In a roast
  • Printed on top of a cake
  • Engraved on a picture frame
  • Written in a greeting card

Retirement quotes fall into a few categories. Here are some of LoveToKnow's favorites.

Jokes About Work Performance

"When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to tell the difference." --Virginia Graham

Poor Wife Jokes

"A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job." --Ella Harris

Jokes About Money Woes

"Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money." --Jonathan Clements


"Golf is played by 20 million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun." --Jim Bishop

Forever Young

"Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65, I still had pimples." --George Burns

Long Suffering Wives

"When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income." --Chi Chi Rodriguez

Enjoying Life

"If I'd known that retirement was going to be this good I'd have done it the day after I left school." --Mickey White

Circle of Life

"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man." --Scott Elledge

For more fun information about retirement, read:

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8 Funny Retirement Quotes to Crack You Up