Funny Retirement Poems

Happy Retirement Party

Everyone deserves to celebrate his or her retirement. It's a time to have fun and mark the fact that the retiree's working days are now a thing of the past. While everyone else is simply expressing their good wishes, you could be the life of the party by reciting a humorous poem that still honors the retiree in a funny yet heartfelt way.

Humorous Retirement Poems from Coworkers

There's bound to be some good-natured ribbing when you're sending off a coworker to enjoy his or her retirement years. It might be fun to deliver one of these poems at a retirement party held at work, or you could simply include one in a congratulations card.

The Day Has Arrived

Senior woman golfer

The day you thought you'd never see,
Has finally arrived.
And despite whatever you once believed,
Gosh darn it, you're still alive.

You managed to survive your working years
And retirement shines before you.
Your spouse can nag you full time now,
And your kids will still annoy you.

Yes, these will be your golden years
To live life as you please.
You can play golf and power walk at the mall,
At least until you give out at the knees.

You can take up painting if you like,
And spend all day painting flowers,
That is until your hand cramps up
After holding the brush for hours.

Don't worry about getting dressed every day,
You've earned the right to stay in your pajamas.
All you have to do is turn on the TV,
And watch your afternoon dramas.

Sometimes life may get a little boring,
Especially when you've no place to be.
You can take up exciting hobbies,
Like doing puzzles or watching birds sit in a tree.

Yes retirement has it highs and lows,
But there's one thing not to be forgot.
As long as you're above ground and not below,
Retirement's the better of the lot.

Expiration Date

With reluctance we announce that
(Name) has reached her expiration date.
To remain here employed with us,
It's simply just too late.

She knows that we'll all miss her,
Well, at least a little bit.
For as much fun as we've had you know,
Sometimes she could be a twit.

But we jest, it's all in good fun,
And we're sure she can take a joke.
Just watch out friends in case she gets mad,
'Cause we've heard she packs quite a poke.

In all seriousness, (Name), you know we love you,
And simply want to say,
Good luck with all your future holds,
And happy retirement day!

You're Retiring Today

Retirement party with co-workers.

You're retiring today,
And we want to wish you well.
It may seem like you still work here,
But a few signs will surely tell.

No more coffee cup rings
On sub-standard reports,
And when you're feeling surly,
We won't hear your spicy retorts.

Your cubicle will no longer emit
That oh-so-familiar smell,
Of stale coffee, vapor rub,
And day old Taco Bell.

And when it's time for a meeting
A tear will surely come to each eye,
When you're not there to plop down in a chair,
And heave a bored and world-weary sigh.

But let's not dwell on what we're losing,
Because you're surely better off.
Have fun wasting time off the clock now,
And think of us fondly while you're goofing off.

Funny Retirement Poems from Loved Ones

Spouses, children, grandchildren, and other loved ones all have an idea of what the retiree's newfound leisure time means for them, and it's usually quite different from what that retiree expects.

Have I Got Plans for You!

Bet you thought your working days were finished,
Now that your retirement has arrived.
I've waited years to see this day,
And my to-do list has multiplied.

All those jobs you said you'd get to,
Once you could finally stop working,
Have piled up high as a giraffe's eye,
Say, why are you sputtering and jerking?

The living room really needs painting,
And that garage isn't going to clean itself.
And I think your den is just the place,
To put up my new figurine shelf.

Let's talk about the backyard,
It has been an eyesore for years.
You should re-sod it and plant a few trees,
Hey, why are you welling up with tears?

I guess you must just be so happy,
To be starting your retirement this way.
No wasting time feeling bored and useless,
I've enough plans to keep you busy each day!

Now That You're Retired...

senior driving

Now that you're retired,
We can spend more time together.
Why you can drive me everywhere,
Through all kinds of weather.

We can listen to the radio
When you drive me to the mall.
Drop me off at the door when it's icy,
So I don't accidently slip and fall.

When it's raining you can drive me
To my best friend Sheri's house.
Or take me to the dry cleaner's
To pick up my favorite blouse.

When it's cold and windy, pick me up
And drive me home from school.
Just don't park to close to me and my friends,
Because they think that parents aren't cool.

When it's sunny you can drop me off
At my favorite beach.
Don't worry, I'll call you when I'm done,
So be ready and keep your phone in reach.

I can't wait for us to get started
Hanging out now that you're retired.
In fact, I'm sure there's more we can do,
You really have me inspired!

Keep the Humor Light

Remember, you're trying to honor the retiree even as you inject a little levity into the occasion. Gentle nudging is encouraged, but outright insults are not allowed. Make sure you understand the honoree's sense of humor and try to tailor your poem accordingly so everyone can laugh together.

Funny Retirement Poems